Sitting in my room trying to fix the time on my watch before leaving to go to work, I let my thoughts wander, staring down by the hands on the clock turning back. Basically could, would I want to relive the time and memories that are previously now? Would I want to put my entire life on rewind, if I could? Leave everything I know to be present and exactly what hasn't happened yet in the future. At first, thinking if I could do things all over again, it might be so exhilarating. I'd have the chance to apply all that I know now to my life the way it was then would no doubt change the course of my life dramatically.
But the greater the thought lingered in my head, the more I rejected the idea. Basically couldn't do things perfectly to begin with, how would I be sure I would get it right the second time? Or would i would like a third, fourth, or fifth try? Knowing me and exactly how I am, I would struggle with the endless loop of trying to live my life perfectly. And let's not pretend, that isn't really living.
As I'm pondering this, something clicked within my head: if I could go back in its history and change one thing about my past, I think I would've guarded me a little more carefully when it came to one person who lives in the past. And here's everything I'd do differently when it found you:
If we started over, I would not have tried so hard to help make the relationship work. Because I was the only one who got hurt ultimately.
If we started over, I would not have confused abuse for love. Because you provided the wrong idea of love that still stays with me.
If we started over, I would not have waited for you to decide if you wanted to be with me. Because if you even had to question it, then your answer is 'no'.
If we started over, I would not have questioned how you felt about me. Because the truth is, you never felt anything for me, I was just convenient for you when you were so much more to me.
If we started over, I would not have made excuses for your actions. Because I didn't want to believe you had been as evil as you proved you to ultimately be.
If we started over, I wouldn't have ignored that signs that proved I wasn't the only person. Because I deserve to be loved by somebody that can love me with their all.
If we started over, I would not have believe any of the lies you told. Because I needed to see the good you in, like I actually do with everyone, but in reality, there is nothing “good” about you.
If we started over, I wouldn't have fought for your attention. Because someone available could've given me the interest I needed without making me feel like I was a burden to them.
If we started over, I would've loved myself a bit more than I loved you. Because I should've mattered within our relationship too, you just refused to let me realize it.
If we started over, I would not have ever reached for your hand. Because you tricked me into thinking you really cared, over and over.
If we started over, I would've walked away first, understanding that it was only a matter of time before you decide to walked away too. Because I would've been a lot happier if you never walked into my entire life in the first place .
I finally got my watch set correctly. Having a huge sigh of relief, I walked out of my room and shut the door, in real-time. I walked right into a new day, an unspoiled 24 hours. It was a chance for me to complete things right, to make good choices, wise decisions, and live my entire life the way I was meant to. I'm surrounded by people who I love and who love me back. I've got a man who I can picture the next with, and am working everyday to create that dream happen with him.
We do not have to turn back time to clean the slate. That's what every single morning is for. Today, help make your clean slate count. Fill your days with joys and make decisions that will never make you wish you could turn back time.
