There have always been “get well soon” cards to transmit friends who are hurt or sick and need some good wishes. However, there's no go-to Hallmark response for what to state to someone after they’ve attempted suicide.
We can find ourselves stumbling on our own words and being at a loss of what to say. In a lot of cases, most people don't say anything. This is not the appropriate way to respond to a suicide attempt though. While your loved one is in a sensitive place, there are ways you can show your support and help them return to a healthier normal.
1. “I’m sorry.”
Your friend is sick. Attempting to harm yourself in any way is a byproduct of mental illness. Just because you can't see the illness as if you can with the flu or pain like a broken bone doesn't mean it isn't there. It's just in their brain.
This is really a time of loss and it demands respect. Following a suicide attempt, a person tends to lose a lot; be it connections or shedding their skin from old ways that they don't want to relapse into. It is important at this time to recognize their pain. Let them know you're sorry that they were for the reason that place and genuinely mean it.
If you have felt this way in the past, share your experience without overwhelming them or taking away the spotlight. Share with the one you love that you wish they weren't hurting and didn't have to feel that intense self-loathing that led them to this action.
2. “You are important to me.”
This is better to do casually. You don't want to make a big scene and overwhelm the one you love when they're already in a vulnerable and sensitive place. Mention a memory of significance, a minute in time where you absolutely adored them. How magical they seemed at that moment, how much they meant to you then. Tell them little details you remember and become as detailed as your memory allows. Remind them that it is moments like this that have a great impact on your life and that you would be sad if you couldn't ask them to anymore.
Try not to say things like “if you had been gone/dead/not alive.” Although they may be saying they want to get better, they might still have lingering suicidal ideation. People don't attempt suicide and right after finding the gratitude, they need to stay alive forever, although it may come in waves. People need time to heal their minds from that dark place, time for you to process and find what will have them going. It's unfair to put pressure on them to “stay alive” however it can be appropriate to say you would miss hanging out if you couldn't anymore.
It is much more than okay to remind them of methods special they are; just don't put pressure in it to have to stay alive, for your sake. They should be working to keep living for themselves. Guilt can be unbearable for suicide attempt survivors and result in a relapse in thinking.
3. “How can I help?”
If you know them good enough, ask if they're comfortable sharing their safety plan with you. It can be really alarming and dangerous to law enforcement on a suicidal person. They might prefer that if you're with them in crisis to call their therapist or doctor to get them to help in a much less volatile situation. They may also have family members or housemates that they would prefer you to contact if you are concerned and need to talk to someone without alarming the one you love.
If they need a ride to therapy and it's a time you’re free, inquire if they'd like a ride along with you once in a while, maybe stopping for supper after. If they need to start journaling inquire if you can hold each other accountable and journal simultaneously.
Don't just show your support in the first few weeks. If you are near to them ask how you can be an energetic participant in their recovery, telling them you want to help in any way they might need you (as long as your energy allows).
4. “Let’s get together!”
Start planning for a vacation away together, even for a weekend! Plan excursions, especially those that support things they are interested in. Make a monthly coffee date or a weekly game night. It's important to note that you shouldn't make any promises you cannot keep. It's important that any ideas you have for the future with your loved ones are things you can commit to and support. It can become disheartening for a suicidal person when people cancel plans; it may retrigger feelings of being worthless and unloved.
Ask them steps you can take together for future hangs. Get creative, create a little investment in something they are able to look forward to. Give them something they are able to hang on to and gently remind them of the wonderful future, directly focused on an event you can do together. This can be a way to motivate your loved one to keep looking forward without overwhelming them with ideas of forever.
It could be nerve-wracking to talk to someone who has been suicidal. We don't want to cause more damage or say the wrong thing. However, by looking into making plans for a better future, being sincere, reminding them of the worth and wonders, and assisting them in the future can reassure your loved one that everything is going to be okay in time.
It’s important to treat them as the person you have always loved and will always love. Don't disregard the elephant in the room; face it and ask where to go from here.
If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there's a way to get help. Call SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text “HELLO” to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
