If you have a brother, sister, or both, you’re probably already conscious that, just like any other relationship, sibling relationships could be complicated. Siblings may be as close as best friends, as distant as mere acquaintances, or anywhere in-between.
Siblings can provide a sense of fulfillment, connection, and passion for each other. However, they can be also the cause of pain, hurt, and betrayal, which creates family discord. Think of those images in mainstream media of siblings fighting in their parents' Thanksgiving dinner. Or the empty seats while dining due to feuding siblings who refused the invitation. How awkward.
Discord might have been brewing since childhood. Or, maybe your feud is much more recent. Either way, fixing the strain goes more smoothly when siblings learn to recognize the bigger picture.
Family harmony benefits the whole family.
When the feuding becomes so intense, it’s simple to forget that tension, awkwardness, and distance as a result of strained sibling relationship affects not only the rivaling siblings.
Everyone in the entire family unit is affected when siblings don’t get on.
Moving past the strain is possible, but requires effort. Any “fixing” done by sweeping conflict or grudges underneath the rug is likely temporary – and it’s not really a “fix.” Band-Aids don't stay on for long. A wound requires greater than a bandage in order to truly heal.
The same is true for strained sibling relationships.
Sincerely addressing the rift requires maturity and a mutual desire to move on. Keep in mind that an incentive for moving on is the fact that each of you benefits, as does the entire family. Unlike a dating relationship, your family is your family forever.
So, if you want to fix strained sibling relationships, here are 3 ways to get started.
1. Improve your new sibling roles.
Siblings have roles in a family that they tend to stick like velcro. “The baby,” “the goody-goody,” and “the rebel” are types of labels that often remain, regardless of how much time has passed.
Recognize that sibling conflict often has deeply seeded roots, to the point where the original reason or reason for the strain has gotten buried meanwhile. Maybe the reason is no longer even relevant.
Update your place in time. You’re not children anymore. Make use of your adulting skills to improve your relationship with one another.
2. Look at the conflict from your sibling’s perspective.
You’re fixed in your version of the strain to the point where you see it as fact. But maybe there’s another side towards the conflict. Rarely is a strain the only fault of just one person.
Understand your sibling's perspective. Put yourself in their shoes and loosen your grip on your need to be “right.” Keep in mind the big picture of a more stable family unit.
What do you want to model for your own kids, especially when it comes to their sibling relationships? Modeling behavior is really a powerful form of teaching.
3. Understand your envy.
Is there unresolved jealousy or envy between both you and your sibling? Maybe you were artistic and your sibling was a four-season athlete. At the time, you didn’t have the life experience to acknowledge the reason for the envy – or perhaps what to call it. You just knew there was a tension you two felt toward one another.
As adults, you have insight into any envy you may have felt. Discuss it. Possess a heart-to-heart. Clear up misunderstandings. Be on a single side.
Keep in mind that everyone carries wounds and are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. Maybe you can even find some pride in your sibling’s strengths. That’s your sister or brother! You may also consider replacing envy with pride.
Use your time to move forward, rather than to remain stuck in the past.
For better or worse, your siblings are a link to your past and, hopefully, for your future.
