Although it isn't something anyone wants to be a specialist on, unfortunate circumstances have made me somewhat of a grief expert just 20 years old. Seven months to the day after losing my mom I acquired a phone call that made me relive my worst nightmare. My best friend's dad – the man who's been my second father because the second grade, the guy who was my own dad's closest friend – passed away in his sleep.
I was full of a second wave of shock and grief, but none of that compared to knowing that my best friend was going to have to fight the same incessant heartache I have been battling over the past year. I wanted to do all things in my power to protect her, but being on the other side made me realize there was something I could never protect her from – others.
People don't know what to say to a buddy suffering anything from a significant loss to some break-up. They tend to get tongue tied and embarrassed, which often results in saying things that unintentionally makes everything worse.
Everyone's first instinct is to ask a simple question – How are you doing? Although it seems harmless, this is one of the worst questions of them all. This forces someone to plaster on a fake smile and say they are doing the best they can, when on the inside the person is thinking something around the lines of ‘I'm absolutely miserable, thanks for asking.’
And before moving on, allow me to emphasize the need for you to NEVER use clichés. Especially the they are in a better place now or everything happens for a reason. There is no better place for a father than walking his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. And I can think of no good reason my mother won't ever meet her grandchildren.
The real problem is in people focusing an excessive amount of on what they can say to comfort someone when really the focus needs to be on what they are able to do. The only way anyone can get through tragic circumstances is with the aid of their friends, and, thankfully, just being there without saying anything at all is often the most comforting.
While your pals won't need countless pity texts asking regarding their state of mind, they will need someone to tell them to get their butt out of bed and into the shower to get some froyo. They won't need you to give them hours of philosophical life advice, but they will need you to keep them company because they cry. They don't need to hear your comments ought to you have making sense of the tragic situation, however they do need you to really listen.
When the friend doesn't text you back, do not get discouraged; It's not because they don't wish to talk to you, it's because they do not want to face reality. And given some time, it is your job to become the annoying friend that keeps texting and calling until they make it back to the real world.
Most importantly, remember it is the little gestures that are able to brighten someone's day when in grief. Nothing could have made me happier at one my saddest moments than opening the doorway to a delivery of two-dozen donuts from my favorite bakery. And when I looked at the card and realized they were from my sorority sisters, it made me realize going back to school could be much easier than I originally thought.
As terrible because these events have been, it is within the darkest times that you realize the importance of friendship. Whether it is the friends you've known your whole life, or the ones you have only noted for a few years, it is inspiring to see the amount of energy people will place into putting the pieces of a shattered friend together again.
Always know you don't need superpowers to mend a broken friend. You already have enough of that power harnessed inside of you that comes from friendship. Close friends can be your backbone when you feel you can no longer stand up. They are the ones that can push you to the finish line even when you feel you are a million miles away. And they are the ones that remind you that you need to keep on living even when you feel you cannot make it out of bed.
So my last piece of advice is simple. Be that superhero your friend needs. Be it helping a friend with the loss of a parent or a breakup – don't forget the amount of power your friendship holds. I know I wouldn't have made it through these past eight months without the friends who would undoubtedly put Batman to shame.
